Wednesday, January 25, 2012

This Broken Path

Blogging about marriage is a tricky, tricky thing, and here’s why.  When you’re married, and especially when you marry young (I’ve never married old, so this is speculation) you want the whole world to think your marriage is Perfect with a capital P.

I want to tell you about the Saturdays when we stay in bed for an extra hour just chatting and laughing.  I want to tell you about the time when he let me stay in the car while he ran into the grocery store to satisfy my chocolate craving.  

And then I read other newlywed’s blogs full of these types of stories, and throw up in my mouth a little.  I roll my eyes and click to something else, secretly calling them liars and silently hoping I’m not the only one who doesn’t make dinner for my husband in heels every day.

The good moments are certainly glorious and worth noting, but it’s not the whole story.  

Simply put, marriage is not the solution.  Really, no matter what the problem is, marriage is not the solution.

You’re lonely? Marriage is not the solution.
You got pregnant?  Marriage is not the solution.
You’ve been dating for five years and are bored?  Marriage is not the solution.
You’ve always dreamed of a beautiful wedding?  Marriage is not the solution.

Am I making my point here?  At the risk of hearing all my married friends gasp in horror, those beautiful moments I mentioned?  They are simply NOT everyday life.  And I want to make sure I don’t present them as such.

So here’s something I’ve learned about marriage that is not all unicorns and glitter.

Even when you’re married and spend about 93% of your time with another person, sometimes you’ll still feel alone.  Forgive me if I sound unforgivingly emo and tragically poetic, but I can literally be sitting in the same room as Sir Huzz and still feel sad/depressed/just.plain.lonely.

And the truth is, there is something beautiful in that, though I can’t put my finger on it yet.  I know that loneliness is leading me to Someone else who can fill that slowly leaking hole, but I haven’t mastered the path to get there.

Because somehow, for me at least, the path changed a little when I got married.  My relationship with God is no longer between just Him and I, but with a third person thrown in.  And to be perfectly honest, I’m not always sure how I feel about that.  I’m not sure when I should just relish the tiny second when I felt God’s presence today, or if I should share it as an encouragement.  I have trouble knowing when to pray with my love and solidify our foundation, and when to pray by myself so I can beat my chest in fear and desperation with no worry about who is listening.  

I am trying to figure it all out, and someday this will (not) make a great party story. But in the meantime, I am trying to remember that it’s ok when it’s not always easy, and that God will meet me anyway, even if I do take the wrong path.

P.S. For those of you who are savvy detail-oriented people, I said in my last post that I would talk more about finances, but I didn't like what I wrote. So I deleted it, and you got this instead. I can be ruthless like that sometimes.

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