I read something the other day about how your 20’s are a
time of figuring out who you are as a person and what you believe in. As a worker, as a lover, as a family member
and friend. While I was reading, I
started reflecting on my own journey of self-discovery. I realized that deep down, I know who I
am. The version of myself that I present
to my husband and my closest friends is the version that’s not always pretty
but is always faithful to its identity. My
true problem lies in my ability to trust the flawed and meager aspects of that
person.
Don’t we all long to be beautiful? To be successful? To be interesting? I am so guilty of constantly playing the
comparison game. I begin a conversation
and immediately commence evaluating how her shoes are cuter than mine, how he
is more cultured than I am, how they can afford to eat out more and experience
that aspect of what Portland has to offer, even (humbling to admit) how his
faith seems deeper and more authentic than my own. So I begin to adjust that version of myself
throughout the conversation. I bend and alter until I feel like I’m on equal footing but have lost sight of that
person I know deep down is better.
Hear me on this: I do not say better as in I really DO have
cuter shoes and deeper faith, but rather better as in more authentic. Vulnerable.
Honest. Better than the
comparisons and the judgments and the fear.
Better than laughing at a movie quote I don’t recognize because I’m too
afraid to admit I don’t get the reference.
How hard could it be to just admit “I don’t know much about music, but
I’m pretty into books”? It’s not better
or worse, it’s different, and thank God for those differences in this world.
I stopped writing on my blog because I lost sight of the
deeper convictions among all the clutter.
I was consumed with the amount of blogs out there, the narcissism sword
pointed at my generation, and the feeling that I just didn't have anything new
to say. I came back because of the small
voice telling me I may not be more interesting or have new things to say, but I
will always say it differently. There is
no one in the world who thinks exactly like me and believes all the same things
I believe. The more I dwell on this
truth, the more I am convinced it is true.
There will always be someone writing more passionately, more
convincingly or just plain better. But
if I learn to present myself as is -->flaws and all, I believe there is
something beautiful and wild, something a little…well, untamed about it.
